June 1st, 2016 by Marly Agui

It was 2010 when I got pregnant under the worst conditions. The father of the baby chose to be with other women and not really worry about me or the baby, and I had a lot of problems of my own. Still I hid my pregnancy from my family and took the best care of myself that I could considering I had to work 10-12 hours a day. I knew the my pregnancy was delicate but working was a must. I felt the baby grow shed kick and move around she was really active. Only when I would eat she would stay still. I was so In love w her and her father. Who ironically is now my current spouse. But when I was 7 months pregos I found her daddy with the other women. I couldn’t control the deep hearted pain I felt. At that moment I began to leak green fluid. (Preeclampsia) I left the seen and let the love birds stay together. That day I drove myself to the hospital, with in 10 mins I was getting a C section done. The baby had an elevated heart beat too elevated for her little body. when she came out I couldn’t hear her crying I yelled at the doctors to tell me if she was alive. They said she was but they did not think she would make it as she was having small heart attacks. I kissed her little face as they rushed her away. The next morning I woke up alone cold and empty I begged the nurses to take me to her but they said because of the preeclampsia I needed to be in bed and monitored for 2 days. She too was fighting for her life so they couldn’t bring her to me. On the 3rd day I got up and walked to the Nic U ward. And there she laid alone in her incubator. They took her out for 20 minutes I held her in a rocking chair she starred at me I starred at her she then mustered all her strength wrapped her little hand around my pinky finger and she held it for what seemed to me like a life time. I wanted to stay in that moment forever. Till now 6 years later I’ve held on to that moment for dear life. soon after they took her away again. Few hours later they ran up to my room to tell me that her heart gave out. She lost the fight after she saw me. I think she waited to say good bye to me. Atleast that’s what I’ve told myself in order to survive. I blame myself I blame her father and the women he was with who knew that I was pregnant. But as of this very day I vow to begin healing I don’t want to break everytime I think of her. I want to remember her with happiness. I see I have a long road a head of me. Reading all these blogs has shown me that I’m not alone.. There are others who have endured just as much as I. I wonder every day of I’ll ever see her again, and if I do will she know I’m her mommy.

One response to “26-05-16(20:08:27)”

  1. Kayla Zaragoza says:

    Does it ever get easier

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